~ W.C. Fields. (more or less)
* Women are like Elephants, amazing to look at but you wouldn’t want to own one.
* After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
* I always keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake — which I also keep handy.
* Madam, there’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
* The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
* Once … in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
* You can’t cheat an honest man. He has to have larceny in his heart in the first place.
* I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
* I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
* A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
For more of the ilk – “you can quote Me”